Hidden Taxes

As with all folk undergoing new construction there comes the time when you must face the government. Yesterday was such a day for me.

More than a decade ago when we first moved to this property I discovered that buying a home was only the beginning of the outward flow of cash. First there was the environmental department. They needed cash for a "perk test" on the land near the septic system. Next there was the electric company. They wanted money to come out and "inspect" the electric before the power was turned on. Then there was the water company that needed money to hook us to the main line. In total we paid out about $600 in fees for work that took less than 2 hours total for all three services. At the time this was a huge amount but we had no choice. If we did not pay then we would not get the basic necessities.

Since I have gone through the process before I was somewhat prepared for the call I made yesterday. I knew the name of the government agency and found their number easily enough. The State of Tn Regional Health & Environmental, Division of Water Pollution Control is in charge of all the perk tests in this county and you must have a perk test BEFORE you get any other permits. In fact it is a great idea to take the perk permit with you when you go for other permits, they sometimes want to see it. So I started with the "environmental people".

"Environmental Department, this is Debbie", is how the conversation began. My response, "How much is a perk test?"

Now you might say that I was being a bit brief. Maybe, you think, I should have told her I was building a home in the area and made all nice with chit-chat. Well you'd be wrong. Lesson learned from the last time I visited this office- environmental folk do not chit-chat. They believe they are doing God's work and they are not there for niceties.

Debbie's response, l o n g p a u s e , "You mean a 'septic test'?" Spoken with all the joy of a liberal.

Ugh! Apparently the terminology had changed and Debbie was not thrilled that I had not gotten the memo.

Rolling my eyes, "Yes, a septic test"

"It's $350"

Ah, there it was. A new tax slipped in under the radar of the common man.

I was about to point this "new tax" out to Debbie when I remembered that I had a gun pointed at my head. Not a gun filled with bullets but one filled with the dreadful idea of composting toilets. I had to be nice... DANGIT!

"If my land does not perk do I get a refund?" said in my nicest I-want-to-smack-you voice.

Another l o n g p a u s e , "I don't know. Hold please"

Which being interpreted means that no one has ever asked this before. WHY?? Because of that gun to the head. We have no choice. If we want to go to the bathroom inside a house that doesn't have a moon carved on the door we got to pony up with the cash.

Her answer, "No"

I politely thanked her and hung up. There it was written in ink on my note pad, $350. This constituted a more than $250 tax increase! Yep, that's right, 12 years ago we paid less $100 for a perk test... I mean septic test. Now they have repackaged it and more than doubled the price. A price which we will no doubt pay. Makes those composting toilets looks better somehow....

NAH!